4 Top Fictional Capitalists with Great Hair

Francisco D'Anconia, Atlas Shrugged

Heartthrob and mining magnate, "Frisco" has long hair that is "black and straight, swept back."  As we will see on this list, a slicked back hairdo is a must for a laissez-faire savant.

I realize that this is Antonio Banderas.  Same thing.

Michael Douglas as Gordon Gekko, Wallstreet

Gordy is the king of Wallstreet, the ruthless master of the zero sum game.  He is also the master of his crinal domain--note that clean slickback.  

keepin it real clean

Alec Baldwin as Blake, Glengarry Glen Ross

Blake is a real mover and shaker and knows how to instill his baller tactics into aspiring salesmen.  Just remember A.B.C: Always Be Coiffin.

ABC, y'all

Christian Bale as Patrick Bateman, American Psycho

Pat Bateman has a "slightly better haircut" than nemesis Paul Allen portrayed by Jared Leto but also knows how to KILL it in the free market.  

one hair to rule them all, and in the darkness bind them

Who Had More Manly Pets, Obama or Teddy Roosevelt?

Teddy:

St. Bernard named Rollo
Chesapeake retriever named Sailor Boy
Manchester Terrier named Blackjack
Bull Terrier named Pete
small bear named Jonathan Edwards
lizard named Bill
guinea pigs named Admiral Dewey, Dr. Johnson, Bishop Doane, Fighting Bob Evans, and Father O'Grady
pig named Maude
badger named Josiah 
blue macaw named Eli Yale; 
hen named Baron Spreckle 
a one-legged rooster
a hyena
a barn owl
rabbit named Peter
pony named Algonquin

Obama:

Portugese Waterdog named Bo

3 Best Potential Animal Mascots of the Green Party

We all know about Elephant vs. Donkey, but it seems like third parties should have their own mascots.  Here are animals that embody traits of the Green Party:

3) Mosquito - environmentalists suck the lifeblood ($$$) of the country to use toward their own ends, also preventing such blood to clot in the coffers of small businesses and regular guys like you and me.

2) Jellyfish - these "save the planet" guys just float around, listlessly drifting from one place to the next, seemingly harmless.  But god forbid you run into one while enjoying yourself at the beach because you're likely to get a sting (an earful) of harmless but annoying neurotoxin (admonishment).

1) Hare - because, like in the Aesop fable, these guys lose every major fuckin race every time!!! LOLOLOLOL LMAO

Nancy Pelosi's Top 4 Favorite Foods

We all know that Pelosi hates hardworking Americans, but are any of her favorite foods from this country? 

4) Pommes Frites - comfort food of socialist France.  She uses aioli and beurre blanc-based dipping sauces instead of ketchup.

3) Dim Sum - various small plate foods from communist China.  In the House cafeteria they feed you 3 (tiananmen) square meals a day!

2) Pinto Gallo - a traditional dish of socialist Nicaragua.  Important to get your carbs and protein for long days of Sandinista terrorist bullshit.

1) American Fetus Hearts - the only American product she's into eating is the tiny hearts of aborted would've-been Americans.

"Barry, is there any of that aioli left in the fridge?"

Top 5 Most Corruptive TV Shows That Should Be Banned

AMC and HBO are a plague upon society.  Here are a few examples of why:

Mad Men - this show paints a skewed, inaccurate portrait of the successful capitalists of America's golden years.  Subversive content includes:

• suggestion that all successful businessmen have unredeemable emotional flaws
• smoking weeddrugs makes you creative
• you can steal an identity and randomly show up in some office and become an executive without reaching out to family contacts
• ambivalent stance toward draft dodging

broken homes are the cat's pajamas, right AMC?

Newsroom - Aaron Sorkin's propaganda vessel is a bunch of intellectual hippy hogwash crammed down our throats every Sunday.  Examples of perniciousness:

• fervent anti-Republicanism mixed in with light libertarianism to seem somewhat 'balanced'
• fancy sesquipedalian words are vacuous appeal to Sorkin's supposed intellectual authority
• walk and talks are confusing
• severe underutilization of Dev Patel who is the best actor on the show  

soapboxin

Game of Thrones - this George R.R.R.R.R. Martin adaptation uses fantasy tropes as a backdoor for ushering sex and violence and political agendas into our brains, such as:

• Daenerys overthrows perfectly legitimate rulers over and over again, but makes it ok to be antiestablishment because she does it with nipples and dragons
• we are manipulated into feeling sympathy for traitors such as the Starks
• Arya and Brienne compel our youth to become violent butches 
• Jon Snow's betrayal of his celibacy vow is somehow celebrated

just realized she left her Lilith Fair tickets at home :-(

Breaking Bad - this show glamorizes drugs and crime and illicit income and violence.  Heinous messages conveyed by the show:

• making meth is a cool Bill Nye-type science experiment 
• disobeying law enforcement is hip
• meth is fun blue candy and we should consume it for a good time
• dealing meth makes you an awesome rich badass  
• notion that "The Fly" was a passable episode and should be aired

last season? good riddance!

Girls - with the youngest target demographic, this show is one of the most inappropriate, mephitic, poisonous series on television.  This show makes the following seem "cool":

• being a listless lazy malcontent
• losing virginity to a barista 
• glorying in meaningless sexcapades 
• terrible music (e.g. Robyn, known wikileaks associate)
• using twitter to express angst instead of getting a damn job
• smoking crack and dabbling in cocaine with no consequences

hashtag EVIL

Top 3 Republican Sports Moments in American History

3) Berlin Olympics (1936) - Jessie Owens wins 4 gold medals in HITLER'S FUCKIN NAZI FACE.  Also, Jessie Owens was a red elephant GOP through and through.

fuckin hero

2) Jackie Robinson Shatters the Baseball Color Barrier (1947) - there were probably a lot of black baseball players who were good enough for the majors and would have given anything for a shot at the big leagues.  Branch Rickey, republican owner of the Brooklyn Dodgers, is the guy who called up Jackie and made it all possible.

the guy behind the guy

1) Brady/Belichick Era (2000-20??) - the team with the most patriotic mascot has become the most feared team in professional sports.  Even though Brady is a prettyboy who procreates with Germans, he is an avowed republican, as is his coach.  Republicanism + patriotism + football = the top moment in sports history.

america

5 Notable Fantasy Football Players With Republican POTUS Eponyms

Just in time for the beginning of fantasy football season, I have assembled this terrible post:

5) Jacoby Ford - during his career in Oakland, speedster Jacoby has proved as savvy a wide receiver as Gerald Ford was president.  I doubt after his first [contractual] term is over that the Raiders will elect to keep him around anymore.

didn't happen.

4) Michael Bush - Mike Bush, like George W. Bush, was a promising young buck who stormed on to the scene with brash and bravado but was being coached by a crazy old coot and never lived up to his potential.  But both were good at 'scoring from the goal line' if you know what I mean <wink wink>.

crazy old coots!

3) Ryan Grant - in 1861, Ulysses S. Grant was a real nobody, training volunteer schlubs in Illinois.  But just like his fortunes changed after the Battle of Chattanooga, Ryan Grant's changed when he was traded to the Packers and all their RB's went down with injuries.  The rest of the 2007 season and the Civil War were history and the Grant boys tore shit up bigtime in their respective battlefields.

brothers in arms

2) Reggie Bush - just like George H.W. Bush raised Clarence Thomas up onto the Supreme Court, Reggie helped the Saints "rise up" to become Super Bowl champions!

studs

1) Marvin Harrison - these Indiana boys are the heavy hitters of the bunch!  Marvin was an 8 time probowler, 3 time all pro and Super Bowl champ, while Benjamin Harrison passed the Sherman Act!  Whooaaaaa!!!

Hoosierdaddy!?

4 Best Mitt Romney Hairdos

The Newsboy - evokes imagery of a simpler time, in which newsies cried out the daily headlines to passersby and one could smile down and tousle a young boy's hair without any legal entanglements.

The Everyman - this do is used for comparative or juxtapositional effect, as Mitt sometimes appears without a perfectly cohesive coiffure, letting a few strands down in order to humanize himself and evoke empathy in his constituents.  

The Chaz - hey, guys, it's our high school buddy Chaz!  He's a barrel of laughs and oozes a sense of camaraderie.  Even though we haven't really kept in touch with him since we went off to college and subsequently started our career while he stuck to the same old bars and continually ran afoul of the law, it's always great to run into fuckin Chaz, right!!?? 

The Stern Uncle - he's not always the friendliest and sometimes he forgets your birthday, but he has always helped you out when you were in financial trouble, albeit with a lecture.  You would confide in him any of your problems that you'd be comfortable telling an arms-length acquaintance.   He is better than you but he needs to be in order to help you out.

Intern Reactions to Ladies of Fox News

We all know that Fox News ladies are the prettiest, perkiest pundits in the mediasphere and I thought it would be fun to post some common reactions to these nubile newscasters from our interns here at Rightfeed.

Yowza!!

Wowweeeee!!

Gee wiz!!!

Daayyuuummmmnnn!

Oh no she didnnnnnnnt!!

Holy Moly!!!

Jeezzzz!!!

Good lawd!!!

Oh My!!

Wuuuutttttt!!

3 Best Conservative Dating Sites

Winner: Best Site to Meet Hawt Old Ladies - RepublicanPeopleMeet.com is a free-to-join place where you can meet the GMILF of your dreams for some steamy carnal Norman Rockwell action.

Suggested usernames: RandyPaul69; UmakeMeHarding

Winner: Best Site to Get Hooked by a GOP Phishing Scam - RepublicanPassions.com is the place for you if you want a free dating site that looks like a sketchier version of 4chan with seemingly no actual users aside from creepy Eisenhower-era dudes.

Suggested usernames: DO NOT PUT YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY # IN YOUR USERNAME

Winner: Best Site to Explore Vaginal Alternatives - we have all seen the commercials for ChristianMingle.com and it is a legit hotbed for Bush-lovin bombshells.  Look, we all know that the virginity requirement only applies to ladies, and there are PLENTY of ways around a technical V-card swipe, know what I'm sayin? (buttstuff lol)

Suggested usernames:  BmyRevelation; EphAsians; LetsMakeLuviticus

Top 5 Raddest Republicans

5) Kelsey Grammer - plays an effete stuffy intellectual on television and even a nerdy anti-creationist science type in X-men but IRL is a different story!  When this guy's not dipping into a bag of cocaine he's dipping into his wallet to support my man Mitt Romney!

he loves the republican party and also loves TO party

4) Clint Eastwood - this badass cowboy turned brilliant director spoke to an empty chair at the RNC for several hours on end!  Like a boss!

like.  a.  boss.

3) Kid Rock - midwestern crooner meets GOP booster.  This guy was "Born Free" and would agree that "Only God Knows Why" anybody would ever vote for Barack Abomination.

America

2) Chuck Norris - prolly the only guy in the world who could match up against Paul Ryan in a fight, but that'll never happen because they're partisan pals!

Norris / Ryan 2016

1) Mel Gibson - does the guy have drinking problems? Yes.  Does he have problems with certain ethnic groups?  Sure.  But have you guys seen the last 30 minutes of Apocalypto?  Ho.  Ly.  Shit.  Talk about a fuckin thrillride WHICH ALSO INVOLVES a hero who is a brownish color thankyouverymuch.

FREEDOMMMM!!!!