Top 4 Activities of Liberals During Shutdown

We all know that Obama and his coven of wellfare state-lovin sycophants forced a government shut down because of their inability to listen to reason.  So what are they up to now that they have a fun vacation at America's expense?

4) Watching "New Girl"

Liberals love the antics of Zooey Deschanel as she lives in sin in an orgy den apartment with likeminded millenials.  Lose the bangs and get a job, you strumpet.

use those giant eyes of yours to read some job postings

3) Partying at special shutdown happy hours in DC

Democraps love fancy craft cocktails and imported beers, disdaining the lite beers enjoyed by regular Joes who work for a living.

why would I pay for bitters when Obama makes me bitter for free!?

2) Reading Sylvia Plath, probably

Left wingers are always suffering from existential crises and ennui and what not.  Maybe they should stop reading her books and start acting more like Plath*, amiright?

if it isn't by Jeff Foxworthy I'm not touching it

*suicide.  there, I said it.

1) Figuring out ways to expand Obamacare

They're probably figuring out how to break the budget even worse, causing more shut downs and messing up the private healthcare that we have worked so hard for.

see that ring?  he's totally married to a dude

4 Top Fictional Capitalists with Great Hair

Francisco D'Anconia, Atlas Shrugged

Heartthrob and mining magnate, "Frisco" has long hair that is "black and straight, swept back."  As we will see on this list, a slicked back hairdo is a must for a laissez-faire savant.

I realize that this is Antonio Banderas.  Same thing.

Michael Douglas as Gordon Gekko, Wallstreet

Gordy is the king of Wallstreet, the ruthless master of the zero sum game.  He is also the master of his crinal domain--note that clean slickback.  

keepin it real clean

Alec Baldwin as Blake, Glengarry Glen Ross

Blake is a real mover and shaker and knows how to instill his baller tactics into aspiring salesmen.  Just remember A.B.C: Always Be Coiffin.

ABC, y'all

Christian Bale as Patrick Bateman, American Psycho

Pat Bateman has a "slightly better haircut" than nemesis Paul Allen portrayed by Jared Leto but also knows how to KILL it in the free market.  

one hair to rule them all, and in the darkness bind them

Who Had More Manly Pets, Obama or Teddy Roosevelt?

Teddy:

St. Bernard named Rollo
Chesapeake retriever named Sailor Boy
Manchester Terrier named Blackjack
Bull Terrier named Pete
small bear named Jonathan Edwards
lizard named Bill
guinea pigs named Admiral Dewey, Dr. Johnson, Bishop Doane, Fighting Bob Evans, and Father O'Grady
pig named Maude
badger named Josiah 
blue macaw named Eli Yale; 
hen named Baron Spreckle 
a one-legged rooster
a hyena
a barn owl
rabbit named Peter
pony named Algonquin

Obama:

Portugese Waterdog named Bo

3 Best Potential Animal Mascots of the Green Party

We all know about Elephant vs. Donkey, but it seems like third parties should have their own mascots.  Here are animals that embody traits of the Green Party:

3) Mosquito - environmentalists suck the lifeblood ($$$) of the country to use toward their own ends, also preventing such blood to clot in the coffers of small businesses and regular guys like you and me.

2) Jellyfish - these "save the planet" guys just float around, listlessly drifting from one place to the next, seemingly harmless.  But god forbid you run into one while enjoying yourself at the beach because you're likely to get a sting (an earful) of harmless but annoying neurotoxin (admonishment).

1) Hare - because, like in the Aesop fable, these guys lose every major fuckin race every time!!! LOLOLOLOL LMAO

Nancy Pelosi's Top 4 Favorite Foods

We all know that Pelosi hates hardworking Americans, but are any of her favorite foods from this country? 

4) Pommes Frites - comfort food of socialist France.  She uses aioli and beurre blanc-based dipping sauces instead of ketchup.

3) Dim Sum - various small plate foods from communist China.  In the House cafeteria they feed you 3 (tiananmen) square meals a day!

2) Pinto Gallo - a traditional dish of socialist Nicaragua.  Important to get your carbs and protein for long days of Sandinista terrorist bullshit.

1) American Fetus Hearts - the only American product she's into eating is the tiny hearts of aborted would've-been Americans.

"Barry, is there any of that aioli left in the fridge?"

Top 5 Most Corruptive TV Shows That Should Be Banned

AMC and HBO are a plague upon society.  Here are a few examples of why:

Mad Men - this show paints a skewed, inaccurate portrait of the successful capitalists of America's golden years.  Subversive content includes:

• suggestion that all successful businessmen have unredeemable emotional flaws
• smoking weeddrugs makes you creative
• you can steal an identity and randomly show up in some office and become an executive without reaching out to family contacts
• ambivalent stance toward draft dodging

broken homes are the cat's pajamas, right AMC?

Newsroom - Aaron Sorkin's propaganda vessel is a bunch of intellectual hippy hogwash crammed down our throats every Sunday.  Examples of perniciousness:

• fervent anti-Republicanism mixed in with light libertarianism to seem somewhat 'balanced'
• fancy sesquipedalian words are vacuous appeal to Sorkin's supposed intellectual authority
• walk and talks are confusing
• severe underutilization of Dev Patel who is the best actor on the show  

soapboxin

Game of Thrones - this George R.R.R.R.R. Martin adaptation uses fantasy tropes as a backdoor for ushering sex and violence and political agendas into our brains, such as:

• Daenerys overthrows perfectly legitimate rulers over and over again, but makes it ok to be antiestablishment because she does it with nipples and dragons
• we are manipulated into feeling sympathy for traitors such as the Starks
• Arya and Brienne compel our youth to become violent butches 
• Jon Snow's betrayal of his celibacy vow is somehow celebrated

just realized she left her Lilith Fair tickets at home :-(

Breaking Bad - this show glamorizes drugs and crime and illicit income and violence.  Heinous messages conveyed by the show:

• making meth is a cool Bill Nye-type science experiment 
• disobeying law enforcement is hip
• meth is fun blue candy and we should consume it for a good time
• dealing meth makes you an awesome rich badass  
• notion that "The Fly" was a passable episode and should be aired

last season? good riddance!

Girls - with the youngest target demographic, this show is one of the most inappropriate, mephitic, poisonous series on television.  This show makes the following seem "cool":

• being a listless lazy malcontent
• losing virginity to a barista 
• glorying in meaningless sexcapades 
• terrible music (e.g. Robyn, known wikileaks associate)
• using twitter to express angst instead of getting a damn job
• smoking crack and dabbling in cocaine with no consequences

hashtag EVIL

Top 3 Republican Sports Moments in American History

3) Berlin Olympics (1936) - Jessie Owens wins 4 gold medals in HITLER'S FUCKIN NAZI FACE.  Also, Jessie Owens was a red elephant GOP through and through.

fuckin hero

2) Jackie Robinson Shatters the Baseball Color Barrier (1947) - there were probably a lot of black baseball players who were good enough for the majors and would have given anything for a shot at the big leagues.  Branch Rickey, republican owner of the Brooklyn Dodgers, is the guy who called up Jackie and made it all possible.

the guy behind the guy

1) Brady/Belichick Era (2000-20??) - the team with the most patriotic mascot has become the most feared team in professional sports.  Even though Brady is a prettyboy who procreates with Germans, he is an avowed republican, as is his coach.  Republicanism + patriotism + football = the top moment in sports history.

america