8 Top Celebs I Wouldn't Pee On If They Were On Fire

8. Alec Baldwin - Get off the Liberal bandwagon and go back to playing Words With Friends.  Noone cares about your stance on fracking, so do us all a favor and go frack yourself.  All of that black hair dye must have seeped into your brain.

7. Barbra Streisand - The voice of an angel, the face of an inverted jigsaw puzzle, the political views of a idiot, completely out of touch with reality.  You are as (ir)relevant in music today as you are in politics.

6. Big Bird - From the dregs of PBS, do we really let our kids watch a 12 foot canary talk with Michelle Obama about fucking vegetables for an hour?  The word of the day is "pathetic"

5. The Dixie Chicks - Three dim-witted, syrupy, mush-mouthed singers would be better served as kindling.  My ears bleed. 

4. Tim Robbins - Hey, look - it's "Merlin" from Top Gun!  Noone cares what you have to say, so get off your soap box before you drop the soap, you Baby-Faced Man-Child. 

3. Sean Penn - Every time you open your mouth about politics, you sound like your character from "i Am Sam."  

2. Kanye West - 1. Impregnate a Kardashian 2. Name the baby after a shitty Elijah Wood Movie 3. Act like you are the second coming of Jesus Christ.  If  George Bush doesn't care about blacks then why does he have so many scottish terriers?

1. Janeane Garafolo - The most despicable 6 syllables in the English Language, next to "Senator Harry Reid."  I can't believe I took the time out of my life to actually spell her name correctly.  Why are you famous, again?

5 Best Books Ever

5) Ender's Game - a coming of age story in which a Paul Ryan-type prodigy overcomes his coddled liberal upbringing and becomes the biggest badass in fighting school and learns to kill all of the aliens that threaten his homeland

or just wait for the movie, movies are better than books

4) The Satanic Verses - read this book and pretend to understand the incindiary Islamic references so that you can brandish your copy and smirk at muslim passersby cuz they really hate this stuff!

nice drawing lol

3) Going Rogue: An American Life - this is a memoir by 2008 presidential hopeful hottie Sarah Palin and is about her life before and during the campaign.  I have read almost half of this book twice and also used it to kill a bug once.

I wrote this book myself! <wink wink>

2) The Bible - this is the #1 international bestseller of all time by a trillion copies and would be number 1 on this list but not for some of the hippie dippie new testament parts.  I have a customized version in which all of the nonviolent gospel parts and mushy crap has been struck through with a sharpie.  Revelations is awesome and is similar to "The Prophecy" staring Christopher Walken which is a great bible movie.

on second thought I'd just watch the movie of this too

1) Atlas Shrugged - this book is the best book ever made.  Paul Ryan would not have said that if it weren't true.  "Rational selfishness" and objectivism and stuff leads to getting rich and having sexy times with other objectivist rich people and that's just the way it should be.  It's long but it's worth it!  Just like Paul Ryan lol jk.

body of congress

10 Things You Might Find in an Occupy Wallstreet Tent

1) Disgusting Incense - no hippie hovel would be complete without the nauseating smell of nag champa

2) Dope Joints - good thing Reagan killed potdrugs once and for all right?  WRONG!  it's still destroying the minds of young Americans and there is no shortage of "fatty nugs" in occupy lean-tos 

Cheech & Chong = Cheech & WRONG

3) Liberal Arts Degrees - from Skidmore and Middlebury and other impotent granola enclaves

"Who cares about our parents' hard-earned money, dude?"

4) Wiccan Paraphernalia - we've all seen The Craft and we know how nothing corrupts an impressionable youngster like the allure of black magic and Fairuza Balk 

5) Vegan Gruel - if these malcontents were getting their meat from animals maybe they'd be strong enough to get real jobs and get outta the damned street

more like SHAMburger amiright?

6) Indigo Girls Cassettes - why indigo girls?  b/c occupy people worship lesbian culture.  why cassettes? b/c occupy people are poor

7) Hand Sanitizer...LOL J/J - I bet you were confused at first when you saw this!  these guys revel in the filthiness of their grubby mitts and do not use any personal hygiene products on any body parts

these hands have touched everything at Whole Foods

8) Dan Brown Books - "The Da Vinci Code" is the most seditious, anti-Christian book of all time that anyone actually picked up and read (Dawkins burn) and kids these days are eating it up

uncle tom hanks

9) Aborted Fetuses - since they don't have jobs or motivation to leave their shanties, occupiers must perform DIY abortions on each other

10) Frisbees/Hacky Sacks - the glorified sports implements of today's listless youth

"my father is deeply ashamed of me."

4 Best Ways to Tell Whether R.B. Ginsburg is an Undead Al Qaeda Minion

We all know that Ruth Bader Ginsburg is a seneschal of Satan and is part of his corruptive coterie (Al Qaeda, Insane Clown Posse, Planned Parenthood) that are twisting our world to their own ends, but how do we convince people who aren't already 'in the know'?...


1) Silver Weapons? if she can be harmed by these she is a creature of the black arcane arts

2) Made of Wood? could apply the Monty Python test and see if she weighs as much as a duck to ascertain whether she is a servant of dark eastern magic

3) Reflection in Mirror? age old test for nosferatu and other demonic sorts

4) Proton Pack?  these proton colliders function by colliding high-energy positrons to generate a proton beam, allowing a ghostbuster to contain and hold "negatively charged ectoplasmic entities"

don't cross the streams!

7 Best Movies Ever

1) Forrest Gump - just because you're not an elitist intellectual doesn't mean you can't be an American hero

2) Juno - because PRO LIFE

3) Passion of The Christ - best non fiction film ever made

4) Red Dawn (1984) - motherfuckin Swayze & Sheen killin motherfuckin commies

5) The Patriot - second best non fiction movie ever made.  also Mel Gibson killing a bad guy with an American flag!

6) The Truman Show - metaphor of a hardworking man who escapes a prison constructed for him by the liberal media

7) The Chronicles of Narnia: the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe - kids team up with a messianic lion to kill an evil ice queen to keep the Christ in Christmas

8 Top Obama Nicknames

1) Barack Obummer

2) Barock Lobster (terrible song)

3) Barack Osama

4) Turock Dinosaur Hunter (terrible game)

5) POOTUS

6) M. Night Oshyamalon (the surprise twist is that he's not even a real american)

7) B.O. (peeyew!!!)

8) Barack Whoslame Obama

6 Things Liberals Invented to Fuck With Us

1) Friends - a bunch of unmarried dudes and ladies living in sin in the big apple (forbidden fruit from tree of knowledge?) doing God knows what to afford their enormous apartments

pornography

2) Global Warming - nice try, Al Gore.  enjoy that nobel prize in hell.

an inconvenient contrivance

3) Celiac Disease - pasta and bread are NOT bad for you, look at the damn food pyramid ya dummy

quit whining and eat some delicious linguine

4) Barack Hussein Obama's Birth Certificate - go back to kenya or iran or wherever.  

that's right.  muslim stuff.

5) Electronic Dance Music - this bleep bloop bullshit is NOT music.  this shit is made in a liberal brainwashing factory to subvert our youth.

this girl could have been a cheerleader and made a good
wife but is prolly fallow now from all the glowstick drugs

6) Banksy - this guy is a god damned vandal and they make him out to be a hero?  go get a real job you cockney piece of shit

stop defacing my city you fop